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"I Just Can't Forgive Myself"
By Ruth Kerr
Once upon a time, a non-Christian girl moved to our city and begged me to be her friend. She was lonely, homesick and desperate for a little compassion. I turned her away because I believed it was pointless to associate with the “unchurched.”
I cringe whenever I think about that experience. Years later, I still chastise myself for being so heartless towards that girl’s suffering. How could I call myself a Christian and yet be so mean-spirited? Why should God forgive me for behaving in such a way? Why should I forgive myself?
Sure, we know we’re only human and God is forgiving, but what if we can’t let go of something we’ve done? How do we forgive ourselves?
How do I move on?
It’s easy to be consumed with despair about our actions. But a life of inner turmoil is not what God wants for us. He has called us to live a holy life regardless of what we’ve done–whether good or bad (2 Timothy 1.8-9). To that end, “you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship” (Romans 8:15).
We shouldn’t let fear and regret, stand between “God and us” but sometimes we do. Here are a few things to remember when regret seizes us.
Accept what has happened.
Because we are human, we are all too capable of sin. To pretend we don’t sin is ridiculous. The apostle John says, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (I John 1:8).
No one will enter the Kingdom with a spotless track record. Throughout history, God has dealt with deeply flawed humans. He asked a murderer to lead his people out of Egypt (Moses); He called an adulterer a “man after “My” own heart” (David); He chose a con artist to be the father of Israel (Jacob). This does not mean God doesn’t care whether we sin or not; rather, it shows God’s forgiving nature. He may not like what we’ve done, but He still sees value in us.
You can’t change the past but you can change the future.
You can’t un-ring a bell, they say, which means you can’t undo what’s already been done. Whether we like it or not, there are no “try-overs.” But that doesn’t mean you need to make the same mistakes again. You can use the past to make a better future.
Look at the apostle Peter. Jesus told him, on the eve of His crucifixion, that Peter would deny Him three times before morning (Matthew 26:4-35). Peter bristled at such a suggestion, but deny Jesus he did. We can almost feel Peter’s bitter tears when he realized what he’d done (vs. 74-75).
But compare this Peter to the Peter in the book of Acts. The new Peter is bold and unafraid to preach the gospel (Acts 2:14-41). It’s almost as if he said, “I slipped up once but never again.” He knew he had sinned and it bothered him terribly, but he used that experience to become a dynamic apostle.
Seeing the truth about ourselves leads to repentance.
It is hard for us to see ourselves as we really are, people capable of causing great suffering to themselves and others. These moments of revelation can be gut-wrenching, but they also show us how much we need a Savior.
Only when we accept the truth about ourselves can God start to work with us. It is then He does his best work, molding and shaping us for His purposes (Isaiah 64:8). This is not always a comfortable process, but we rejoice when we see the fruit that is produced.
Paul is an excellent example. He arrested and tortured innocent people until God struck him down. One can only imagine the anguish he faced when he finally realized the evil he had done. But through his repentance, God sent him on missionary journeys all over the known world. Paul wrote, “For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am and His grace to me was not without effect” (1 Corinthians 15:9-10).
God’s love for us doesn’t change.
No matter what we’ve done, nothing can make God stop loving us (Romans 8:38-39). That doesn’t mean God never becomes angry or disappointed. But He is our Father who loves us despite everything. We sin, but He is always ready and willing to restore us (Isaiah 1:18).
If you are struggling to forgive yourself, you may need to seek guidance.
If you find yourself consumed with a past sin, please talk to someone you trust. We all have regrets, but if you feel almost paralyzed by your past you might want to consider Christian counseling. This does not mean you are weaker than or worse than anyone else. It just means you need some help finding your way out of this. A minister or Christian therapist can help give you the tools you need to see your way clear.
God has a purpose for you and nothing would please Him more than to see you become what you were meant to be. Don’t let your past rob you of your future. i
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